Not long ago, someone asked me for an honest estimate of how many hours a day I typically spend on Facebook. I thought about it. "Six?" I answered, sheepishly. It sounded like a ridiculously high number. But actually, I exaggerated. The truth is, it's probably more than that. And thinking about the actual number, the minutes and hours that I spend (Spend? Yes, spend. Like currency.) every single day, well, it's painful. So naturally, I stopped thinking about it. Until the Elephant stopped just standing quietly in the room and started trashing the place.
Certainly something was trashing the place. I look around as I type this...after spending most of the last two hours on Facebook. My house is a mess. I have a to-do of about twenty items list sitting on the dining room table. Whenever I look at it, I get overwhelmed and log onto Facebook instead. I used to exercise more. I used to spend more time cooking real meals. I'm sure I could be making more money if I put some time and effort into it. My house, my garden, my health, and my finances are all suffering because I don't "have time" to put into them. Why don't I have time? How long can I plead the fifth for?
But here's the clincher, and the real heartbreak. My son, light of my life. It goes something like this:
"Mommy, come play with me!"
"I can't right now honey, I have to finish writing this." (Do I need to tell you what "this" is? Do you suppose it is something of urgent importance that couldn't wait another minute?)
"Mommy, can we go a playground?"
"Not today, sweetie. I have a lot to do." (Read: The comment threads on this foodie group are really funny today!)
"Okay kiddo, time to get your PJs on and brush your teeth!"
"Come with me, Mama."
"You get started, I'll be up in just a minute." (Or two. Or five.)
Writing all this out is making me sad. You know what else makes me sad? If I post this on Facebook, my friends are all going to tell me what a great mom I am and tell me I'm being too hard on myself. But they only see the Facebook version of me. You know all those pictures and all those amusing anecdotes about my son that I post? What do you suppose my son was doing while I was posting them? Beats me, I was doing my best to ignore him at the time.
Is it really this bad? Really? Truthfully...sometimes it is. Maybe not every day, but way too often. And there's more. Let me give you a random sampling of how my life has changed since I joined Facebook in 2009.
FB has become my default communication mode. Instead of phone, email, postcard, or walking half a block down the street to my neighbor's house, I'll use FB. Don't have FB? I'll probably never contact you at all. Not because I don't like you or care about you. It's just not as easy to contact you.
If I'm having an event I'll post it on FB. If you're not on FB there's a good chance you won't be invited.
If I'm looking for something to do I'll check FB events or post on my wall and ask what's going on. If it's not on FB it's not on my radar.
If I want to get together with like-minded people, be it foodies, karaoke fans, local moms, etc, I look for a group on FB, and if I don't find one, I'll create one. I'm currently listed as a manager (aka "admin") on twelve groups. I started seven of them. These are now my social circles. My old ways of socializing have fallen by the wayside.
I recently realized that I don't have any way to contact a large number of my current friends other than via Facebook. No phone number or email; I just message them on FB.
When I'm doing something fun or interesting, I'm either taking pics for FB, or wishing I had my camera to take pics for FB, or thinking about what I'll say about it later on FB. Often I'm doing the the same for when bad things happen.
Oh, and let's not even start with all the ads, privacy invasion, and other annoyances the FB itself throws at us daily.
I could go on. But I'm not really enjoying writing this post. I tell people I need to stop because I'm addicted. Am I? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says addiction is "a strong and harmful
need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something
(such as gamble)." We could debate the words "need" and "harmful" here. I could try to wiggle my way out of this. More to the point, let's look at what the American Society of
Addiction Medicine says...
Addiction is characterized by:
Inability to
consistently Abstain;
CHECK
Impairment in
Behavioral control;
CHECK
Craving; or
increased “hunger” for the rewarding experience;
CHECK
Diminished
recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and
interpersonal relationships; UM...
A dysfunctional
Emotional response. (such as: Increased anxiety, dysphoria and emotional pain) CHECK
 |
| My friend Maggie posted this on my wall when I said I'd be leaving Facebook soon. |
But, but, but...I LOVE Facebook! Can I tell you all the wonderful things that have come out of being on Facebook?
New friends! I may have "met" them on FB, but I've gotten together with them in the real world too!
Reconnection with old friends! From high school, junior high school, elementary school, ever girl scout camp, for crying out loud.
Information and education! Good gracious, the things I've learned on Facebook. Some of them are even true!
Support! When things have been rough for me and/or my son, I've gotten all kinds of wonderful support and helpful advice from my FB community.
Bringing people together! Some of the FB groups I started include:
An alumni group for the high school I attended (closed since 1982) that we used to track down nearly 100 long-lost staff and students and hold a reunion.
A group for NE Ohio Paleo eaters, now up to about 270 members. We share recipes and resources and have held two potlucks.
A group for my fellow karaoke addicts where we can plan outings and post reviews of places we've been.
And more!
Work! I have an actual paying job updating the FB page for the publication I work for.
Along with our farmer's market manager and board president, I use a long-running private message thread to plan market events, share important info, and joke around. It's so much more fun and efficient than emails or phone calls.
I can't tell you how many parties, special events, and other assorted things I've done, because I heard about them on Facebook
And dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. It's fun! Facebook is so freakin' much fun! Little witty exchanges, getting "likes" and positive comments when I post stuff, watching adorable videos or reading hilarious memes posted by friends...it's really, really fun. (You can read more about the Facebook dopamine connection in this article: How Facebook (FB) is Altering Your Mind.)
So what do I hope to achieve by I signing off?
Time. Lots more time. Maybe I'll clean the house, get into more creative pursuits, exercise more, spend more time playing with my kid.
A break in the addiction/obsession/whatever-you-want-to-call-it cycle.
And I hope to figure out what parts of FB have real value to my life, and what I can live without. Maybe I'll decide not to come back at all. I doubt that, but I hope I can find a way to return with a clear picture of how I can successfully integrate Facebook into my life without having it take over.
